In-laws!

My mother-in-law was less than thrilled when my husband asked me to marry him and my father-in-law was our saving grace.  He acted as an intermediary and helped to facilitate the new relationships we were forming.  Tragically, my father-in-law died of cancer a couple of weeks before our wedding.  Understandably, it threw my mother-in-law into a tailspin, but this combined with her earlier feelings caused a lot of disharmony.  

One of the best things to happen to us as newlyweds was to start our marriage away from family.  President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side.  The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile.  Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.”  We were forced to leave our families, by virtue of being a military family, but it was such a healthy way for us to start out.  In retrospect, it saved us a lot of heartache from my husband’s side of the family and it protected me from turning towards my family to complain about my new in-laws.  We were forced to rely upon one another and to build our own ideas without hardly any familial influence.  

When we moved closer to family, several years and children later, it was a bit of a shock to discover that both sides of our family expected us to fall into our pre-marriage roles and patterns within each family.  We realized that we had to work hard (and fast!) to affirm our marital identity now that we were all living in the same town.  

Many years down the road, I am pleased to say that we have workable relationships with both of our extended families.  It is still difficult sometimes.  I am the only member of the Church in a very anti-Mormon family, so that creates hardship.  My husband is the oldest in a large family raised LDS, but he is the only one who is active, including his own mother.  Those are a whole different type of hardship!  Our greatest strength is knowing that the family we have created is OUR FAMILY and the most important above all other family members.  I heard a quote once in a church video that said, “God created families so we would have somewhere we belong,” and I just love and cling to that.  

Family Councils

I loved reading “Counseling with our Councils” by M. Russell Ballard and am such a fan of family council, especially!  M. Russell Ballard said, “This is the miracle of Church councils: listening to each other and listening to the Spirit!  When we support one another in Church councils, we begin to understand how God can take ordinary men and women and make of them extraordinary leaders.  The best leaders are not those who work themselves to death trying to do everything single-handedly; the best leaders are those who follow God’s plan and counsel with their councils.”

I have witnessed this firsthand within my family.  When we hold regular family councils, it is transformative.  It puts us all on the same page and unites us, but it also gives our children a voice and some power within our own family.  Even this week, our second daughter asked if we could hold family council a day early because she had some issues she wanted to tackle.  I think it helps them all with whichever stage they are at in their own life and reminds the older kids (and us!) of what it was like to be younger or how we can help the other kids.  

Elder Ballard also said in that article, “Let us remember that the basic council of the Church is the family council.  Fathers and mothers should apply diligently the principles I have discussed in their relationships with each other and with their children.  In doing so, our homes can become a heaven on earth.”  My family definitely feels the difference throughout the week when we have held family council.  We typically do it on Sunday nights and we call it “Family Sundaes Sunday.”  It’s a trick we learned a few years back to keep the kids at the table and to keep the little ones quieter, ha!  We dig out loads of ice cream toppings and just let everyone have at it.  It’s a really great family tradition and helps the kids to love family council.  

Birth control (or lack thereof!)

What stood out to me the most this week were the prophetic quotes regarding birth control.  Having been raised Catholic, I still struggle with birth control.  It’s something that has been ingrained in me and it’s been hard to shift my thinking to an LDS stance.  

When we married, our original plan was to have children in five to seven years, but maybe even ten years, if work and travel were going well!  Instead, we found ourselves with a honeymoon baby, the doctor using our wedding night as the date of conception.  It completely threw us for a loop and I was even originally afraid to tell my husband!  We decided we would have two babies as close in age as possible, then leave a large gap and the possibility for more children down the road.  13 years later, we have seven children and that “large gap” was two years and two months, ha!  

Life hasn’t always been as easy as we originally planned and we certainly haven’t travelled the way I had intended...and I haven’t worked at all during our marriage!  But it has been a huge blessing.  Postponing children for work, school, or travel ended up not happening for us right off the bat, but our unexpected first baby helped pave a path where we were more easily able to keep that at bay.  

I really appreciated the Ezra Taft Benson quote, “The first commandment given to man was to multiply and replenish the earth with children.  That commandment have never been altered, modified, or cancelled.  The Lord did not say to multiply and replenish the earth if it is convenient, or if you are wealthy, or after you have gotten your schooling, or when there is peace on earth, or until you have four children.  The Bible says, ‘Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord...Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them…’  We believe God is glorified by having numerous children and a program of perfection for them.  So also will God glorify that husband and wife who have a large posterity and who have tried to raise them up in righteousness.”

We live in Southern California, where two is the normal number of children most couples have, though three is acceptable if your first two were the same gender.  When I was pregnant with my fourth baby, though, people began comparing us to the Duggar family.  We are absolutely an anomaly with seven, even in LDS circles.  I do not work and my husband is a police officer, so it’s not like we’re rolling in the dough in one of the nation’s most expensive places to live!  However, our babies have each been a beautiful blessing to our lives and we wouldn’t trade any of them.  Our pediatrician often reminds us that his patients will often say they wish they’d had more children, but that no one ever wishes they had fewer.  

I’m grateful for the prophetic reminders that we are meant to bear children and raise them up unto the Lord, no matter what society tells us.  I loved this reminder from J. Reuben Clark:  Sex desire was planted in us in order to be sure that our bodies would be begotten to house the spirits; the pleasures of gratifications of the desire is an incident, not the primary purpose of the desire.  Remember the prime purpose of sex desire is to beget children.  Sex gratification must be had at that hazard.

The Magic Six Hours

I really loved reading about The Magic Six Hours in Dr. Gottman’s “What Now?” afterword.  It was just a nice and succinct way to wrap everything up and to give quick, practical tips for improving a marriage.  It’s important and easy enough that I actually went out in search of a graphic or visual to wrap it all up!  I couldn’t find one, but am now determined to make one!  

Partings:  Before you say goodbye in the morning, make sure you learn one thing about what is happening in your spouse’s life that day.  

Reunions:  Hug and kiss your spouse in a kiss that lasts at least six seconds.  Also have stress-reducing conversation at the end of each weekday and make it last at least 20 minutes.  

Admiration and appreciation:  Communicate genuine affection and appreciation each day and genuinely express your love for them.  

Affection:  Be physically affectionate when together and embrace before going to bed.  Think of the goodnight kiss as a way to show forgiveness and tenderness to your partner.  

Weekly date:  Stay connected in this relaxing and romantic way.  Ask each other questions and try to build that relationship of trust.  

State of the union meeting:  Spend one hour a week talking about how your relationship went this week only.  This is a sacred space!  Talk about what went right, then express five appreciations.  Discuss any issues you had this week only.  Be sure to apply positive habits like gentle start-up and non-defensive listening.  End the session by asking each other what you can do to make the other person feel loved in the coming week.  

By breaking the six hours up into such easily digestible chunks, Gottman really sets us up for success.  I deal well with lists and check marks, so it’s a nice reminder of how I can work daily and weekly to improve my marriage.  

Agency and Anger

In his talk entitled “Agency and Anger, “ Elder Lynn G. Robbins puts forth the idea that anger is of the devil and that we have the agency to choose contention or to choose not to be angry.  This applies directly to marriage as we interact with our spouses and, by extension, our children.  “Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart.  It is “that which cometh out of the mouth,” the Savior said; “this defileth a man” (Matt. 15:11).”  

I was raised in a house that always seemed angry and where my parents constantly yelled.  Unfortunately, this created an underlying set of bad habits within me.  When my oldest children were still young, I never raised my voice and always thought I would never treat them in the yelling manner in which my parents treated me.  As my kids grew older and more children came and life became busier and more stressful, the yelling started creeping in.  It’s something I absolutely hate about myself and I am very cognizant of it in my parenting.  I know that it is ineffective, that it damages relationships, and I know that I can’t even defend the practice.  And yet I do it!  

This quote from William Wilbanks really hit home:  “Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger.  “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past.  Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?”  I’ve mentioned before how we seem able to turn our best behavior on for those who have less intimate relationships with us, yet we let the bad behavior flow freely with those closest to us.  

This reading, in addition to learning how damaging habits can affect our marital relationships, really struck a chord with me.  I need to work harder on remembering that I am in control of how I react to the emotions I feel and that I can build better strategies that will be more conducive to a healthier marriage and healthier home.  

Pride goeth before the fall.

I absolutely struggle with forgiveness.  I am very good at holding a grudge while my husband never, ever holds a grudge.  It sometimes drives me crazy!  He's the oldest of six kids born within seven years, but he's the only one who's active.  His siblings make some pretty awful choices and can be very nasty.  There are things that happened years and years ago that I still hold onto in the back of my head, yet my husband can forget something they said or did a week ago.  Another example is someone at church who wronged our family in a way that hurt our children.  She still won't acknowledge me, but my husband will go out of his way to say hello to her.  It used to drive me nuts.  "You should be mad at her!  You shouldn't be nice to her!"  I felt as though she would think he felt differently than I did and that somehow mattered, but it was pride getting in my way.  My husband knows exactly what she did and feels the same way I do, but he's able to let go of it to at least be cordial.  

We once played The Newlywed Game with a group of friends and one of the questions was about what annoys you most about your husband.  Everyone else said snoring except for one woman who said she hates that her husband leaves dishes in the sink to soak overnight.  When it got to me, Berek said, "I know what she'll say!  She'll say I'm too nice!"  Sure enough, my card said he was too kind and forgiving...which is a silly thing to complain about, HA!  That was the first time he ever (jokingly) asked if I felt that perhaps I was a beneficiary of his kind and forgiving nature.  OOPS!  I wish I could be as humble as he is!

"Our backs toward heaven."

What struck me most about this week’s reading was Dr. Goddard’s comment, “God has graciously given each of us an early warning system.  When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouses, we have our backs toward heaven.”  

Elder Joe J. Christensen’s “Grapefruit Syndrome” is a real life story right out of my own life.  I once started going over a mental list of things I needed to address with my long-suffering husband when the thought struck me:  He’s never criticized me.  Ever.  Truly!  And I fall short in myriad ways.  With seven young children, I already have a very full plate, but then I volunteer as room parent, am on the school board, take classes online, have demanding callings, so on and so forth.  There are loads of ways in which I drop the ball in my homemaking duties and yet he never calls me out on it.  He never lectures me about the laundry piled on the couch or the dirty dishes in the sink.  

I am a difficult person to live with.  When I get overwhelmed or overstimulated, it’s my defense mechanism to become easily annoyed with others and to even lash out at times.  “Any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.”  I would add that there are other reasons we are irritated with ourselves, but it’s key to me that the true irritation is with myself.  

It’s strong imagery for me to consider turning away from my husband is also turning my back to heaven.  It is choosing to be less Christlike, choosing to be less refined.  Refinement ran through my head a lot while reading our selections this week and I was pleased to read that Dr. Goddard comments that we can refine ourselves to bless others around us, especially those with whom we have made sacred covenants.  

"T is for Turning"

My favorite concept from this week was “Turn Toward Each Other.”  I loved the story Dr. Gottman used from his own life:  

One day I overheard Julie grumbling softly as she unloaded the dryer.  I could easily have pretended not to notice.  But that grumble was a bid, a quiet one, but definitely a bid.  So I asked her what the matter was, and she said, “I don’t mind doing laundry, but I hate folding it!”  Well, I happen to like mindless tasks like folding shirts!  They give me a sense of accomplishment, sort of like going over streams of numbers in the lab.  So I turned toward my wife by taking over the folding.  I piled the laundry on the bed, turned on music featuring jazz composer Billy Evans and his magical piano, and I was in heaven.  Eventually Julie drifted into the room.  I knew she expected me to ask her for help, even though she hates folding laundry.  Instead, we both relaxed and enjoyed the music while I continued to fold.  Julie pointed out that it had been a long time since we’d been to our favorite local jazz club.  So we ended up heading there for dinner.  In the end, my turning toward that pile of laundry turned out to be very romantic for us.  

I appreciate how Gottman illustrates that something as simple as folding a load of laundry can lead to increased fondness and affection and a “very romantic” evening. 
Two main obstacles of “turning toward” are 1) wrapping up our “bids” in negative emotions and 2) allowing technology to distract us.  I am definitely guilty of the second obstacle, while I think my husband is most guilty of the first.  I am very heavily connected to technology in my volunteering, callings, and side jobs.  It is so easy for me to just “check out” and use technology as a distraction.  While I have valid reasons to be using the computer or phone or Internet, I use it as an excuse sometimes instead of “turning toward.”  I like the rule of thumb that if we turn off our phones at church or theaters, we could at least afford our spouses the same courtesy.  I need to work on this!  By following Gottman's flowchart, I can make sure that my choices are leading to "turning towards" instead of looping through negative or destructive behaviors.

The Gaps in the Map

I am completely fascinated by Love Maps and the chapter on fondness and admiration!  Reading about them reminded me of the Love Dare I posted about last week.  At first glance, I thought I was doing pretty well with my own personal Love Map.  I met my husband, Berek, when I was twelve.  TWELVE!  We started “going out” when I was 14 and he was 16.  (To be fair, I was not LDS and I was two years ahead in school, so he thought I was his age!)  We only dated for five months the summer before and first part of our Junior year, had a dramatic high school break-up, and didn’t date again until we married five years after high school graduation.  During that “time off,” though, we did stay in touch and reconnect every so often.  To say we know each other well is an understatement.  

“Take, for example, one of the major causes of marital dissatisfaction and divorce: the birth of the first baby.  Sixty-seven percent of couples in our newlywed study underwent a precipitous drop in marital satisfaction the first time they became parents.”

That’s where we are 14 years later.  When we married, we didn’t plan on having children for quite some time.  We thought maybe we’d wait five to seven years...maybe ten if work and travel was going well!  We unexpectedly got pregnant on our honeymoon and had a baby before we could even celebrate our first anniversary.  And the babies just kept coming!  We had four beautiful daughters in five years and added three more children in subsequent years.

I wouldn’t trade our babies for anything, of course, but they have certainly taken their toll on us!  We do have a strong marriage, but our children are involved in every piece of the social pie, my husband and I both have demanding callings, we do a lot of volunteer work...and our Love Map falls by the wayside.  I drove 93 miles today, but made 25 stops!  We are just too busy to reconnect the way we used to.

I can’t wait to play “The Love Map 20 Questions Game.”  Berek has been out of town all week and I have been so busy that we haven’t talked much beyond FaceTime during dinner and family prayer over the phone.  I feel like we’ll have high enough scores, but I do want to fill in some of the gaps in our map.  I’m thinking that for our five date nights for this course (by the way, is that not the coolest school assignment ever?!), I want to work through some of the quizzes and questions in this week’s reading assignments.

Love Lab & Love Dare

I first read of Gottman’s “love lab” a few years ago and was fascinated.  In short, the “love lab” is an apartment set up with cameras, computers, and other technology that not only observe, but give biophysical information on couples staying there.  Using this information, Dr. Gottman says he can predict potential divorces with over 90% accuracy.  It didn’t originally seem possible that they could predict divorce with such accuracy and in such a short amount of time! 

Having read more about Gottman’s theories and letting them "marinate" over the time, I feel like it actually is possible to make such a forecast, especially having identified factors for success and the biggest one:  FRIENDSHIP.  One of the reasons I feel this is true is because of my own wonderful marriage.  My husband and I will only be celebrating 14 years of marriage this week, but I met him when I was only twelve.  We have known each other a long time and have a deep and abiding friendship.  At the end of the day, when all of the stressors (read: seven kids!) are removed, my husband and I are such good friends and like each other so much that it helps us ride the waves.

SOUND RELATIONSHIP HOUSE:


FOUR HORSEMEN:
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are given by Gottman as "certain kinds of negativity so lethal to a relationship, if allowed to run rampant."

THE LOVE DARE:  I was so excited when I saw clips from "Fireproof" were included in this week's reading/viewing!  One of my favorite tools in my marriage and something I recommend to pretty much everyone is "The Love Dare."  Whenever I feel like our marriage could use some refreshing or if I feel like I am in a rut of negative behavior, I start the 40-day dare.  I haven't ever made it all of the way through because, honestly, just a couple of days jump-starts me enough to get back on track.  I am including an attachment of the dares for people to look at.  Usually, just the first four days are more than enough to reset my mindset and even on the first day, my husband's reactions to me are kinder and gentler than they might have been previously.  Don't get me wrong, we have a great marriage!  But "The Love Dare" is kind of like my own private renewal of my marital vows and covenants and they certainly help knock The Four Horsemen, well, off of their horses!  

Covenant marriages versus contractual marriages

1.  I loved Elder Bruce C. Hafen’s article “Covenant Marriage.”  I’ve mentioned before that as Latter-day Saints we believe that our marriages are different from those of our non-LDS friends and neighbors.  I think Elder Hafen explains that far better than I can!   In previous classes I’ve taken towards a degree in Marriage and Family Studies, I learned the ramifications of “shacking up,” or living together before marriage.  While a contractual marriage is surely better than living together outside the bonds of marriage, a covenant marriage is yet another step up.  A contractual marriage can be fairly easy to divorce from.  Sure, there might be custody arrangements to work out and household items to divide, but a covenant marriage has farther-reaching ramifications.  To enter into a covenant marriage, you have to be willing to submit yourself fully to the relationship.  As a member of our stake presidency recently said, “Getting married requires the proper amount of naivete and hormones.”  You don’t always know what you’re getting into when you marry.  My husband and I have a great marriage and we were very in love when we married, but where we stand now is a very different place than where we started.  We couldn’t have anticipated the sadness, sickness, and other hurdles that we would face.  

2.  I’ve always loved that saying that marriage isn’t 50-50, it’s 100-100.  Elder Hafen uses this same idea, but attributes each percentage to a type of marriage.  It is selfish to say that each spouse must pull half of the weight in the relationship.  This made me think of family and friends I know who have kept separate banks accounts when they married.  Even my sister and her husband have their own bank accounts and each pay 50% of the bills.  This seems so silly to me!  What happens if someone gets paid less one month?  Or loses their job?  Do you start keeping a tab for your spouse?  

Marriage is best lived 100-100.  Each party should give their very best, aiming for perfection.  Since none of us are perfect, we will inevitably fall short.  But when we do, we can help compensate for one another to reach that goal of 100%.  If my 80% is added to my husband’s 95%, then hooray! Together we surpass 100%!  If we each aim to reach 50% and fall short, we can never attain that perfect score.

3.  During our wedding reception, a family friend approached me and my husband and sketched out a little triangle on his placecard.  I have saved that card for fourteen years (next week!) and will never forget his explanation.  Elder David A. Bednar illustrated my friend’s same idea in “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan.”  Elder Bednar says, “The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship.”  He goes on to explain that we should imagine marriage as being a triangle with the husband and wife separated at the two bottom corners and with Jesus Christ at the top corner.  As we work to grow closer to Jesus Christ, we will naturally start to slide closer to our spouse.  “As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord, as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children.”

4.  As I’ve pondered this week how I can make sure my marriage is a covenant marriage and not a contract marriage, I kept coming back to one thought.  My husband and I were sealed in the temple, so I have the practical part of a covenant marriage “checked off,” so to speak.  We are pretty good about doing things like praying together, reading the scriptures together, and so on.  But when I thought about truly having a marriage where we are bonded and trying to grow closer to one another, I thought we must make sure we don’t slip into a marriage of convenience, or a contractual marriage. Elder Bednar explained this by saying, “Husbands and wives need time together to fortify themselves and their homes against the attacks of the adversary.”  

Man, that hit me like a ton of bricks!  I love my husband.  Dearly.  I’ve known him since I was twelve, we have seven lovely children, and we have built a beautiful home and life together.  But life can be hard.  We have a lot on our plates and stress can creep in any chance we let it.  Just due to our family dynamics, my husband and I don’t get much time together, just the two of us.  Of course date night is always fun, but Elder Bednar implies that this is crucial to strengthening our families, especially against outside forces.  I need to make sure that my husband and I fortify our marriage by having that stress-free (or at least less-stressful!) time together to improve ourselves as a marital unit - a covenanted marital unit.  If we are strong as a couple, we can better serve our family.  “They marry to give and grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.”  

Obergefell v Hodges

I was terrified to read Obergefell v Hodges this week, but I ended up finding it fascinating!  I have always understood the LDS Church's moral arguments against gay marriage, but hadn't fully explored the legal arguments against it.  This reading really opened my eyes, especially when I focused in on the dissenting opinions.  

But this Court is not a legislature.  Whether same-sex marriage is a good idea should be of no concern to us.  Under the Constitution, judges have power to say what the law is, not what it should be.  The people who ratified the Constitution authorized courts to exercise “neither force nor will but merely judgment.”  (p. 41)

In this excerpt, Justice Roberts reminds the public of the purpose of the Supreme Court of the United States.  The Supreme Court was founded, in part, to interpret the United States Constitution.  In this function, they can look at the Fourteenth Amendment and determine what our Founding Fathers intended in drafting and approving it.  The Supreme Court is not supposed to decide what they personally feel is good or appropriate in society and then project those beliefs in their rulings.  

Judges are selected precisely for their skill as lawyers; whether they reflect the policy views of a particular constituency is not (or should not be) relevant.  Not surprisingly then, the Federal Judiciary is hardly a cross-section of America.  Take, for example, this Court, which consists of only nine men and women, all of them successful lawyers who studied at Harvard or Yale Law School.  Four of the nine are natives of New York City.  Eight of them grew up in east- and west-coast States.  Only one hails from the vast expanse in-between.  Not a single Southwesterner or even, to tell the truth, a genuine Westerner (California does not count).  Not a single evangelical Christian (a group that comprises about one quarter of Americans), or even a Protestant of any denomination.  The strikingly unrepresentative character of the body voting on today’s social upheaval would be irrelevant if they were functioning as judges, answering the legal question whether the American people had ever ratified a constitutional provision that was understood to proscribe the traditional definition of marriage.  But of course the Justices in today’s majority are not voting on that basis; they say they are not.  And to allow the policy question of same-sex marriage to be considered and resolved by a select, patrician, highly unrepresentative panel of nine is to violate a principle even more fundamental than no taxation without representation: no social transformation without representation.  (p. 73-74)

I love this argument Justice Scalia makes!  It’s so easy to get caught up with “non-believers” when discussing gay marriage because we feel so passionately about our religions and faith.  When you take a step back and look at the legalities of Obergefell v Hodges, I feel it’s much easier to form a sound argument.  Not everyone believes the same as I do in terms of spirituality and such, but arguing as Justice Roberts did for the true purpose of the Supreme Court or as Justice Scalia does here levels the playing field.  The last line quoted above is incredibly powerful.  

This Court’s precedents have repeatedly described marriage in ways that are consistent only with its traditional meaning...As the majority notes, some aspects of marriage have changed over time.  Arranged marriages have largely given way to pairings based on romantic love.  States have replaced coverture, the doctrine by which a married man and woman became a single legal entity, with laws that respect each participant’s separate status.  The majority observes that these developments “were not mere superficial changes” in marriage, but rather “worked deep transformations in its structure.”  They did not, however, work any transformation in the core structure of marriage as the union between a man and a woman.  (p. 46-7)

Marriage has long been intended as a way to bring together two worlds and to provide a safe and secure environment in which to bring forth children.  Genesis 2:24 reads, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  However, marriage has changed significantly in our society over the years.  As Latter-day Saints, we already believe that our marriages have a higher purpose and are ordained of God and I think most Christians feel the same about their marriages when they are performed in a church or by a pastor or someone with ecclesiastical authority.  Anyone can meet someone and hours later run down to the courthouse to be legally married, but that union does not have the same power as, say, an LDS sealing.  For this reason, I believe marriage should be a religious institution, where only churches can perform a marriage.  Everyone else can still enter into a civil union, which alleviates churches of some of the legal issues while still providing legal benefits of a union to the public.  

This section also reminded me of Elder Russell M. Nelson’s address where he said, “The greatest guardians of any and all virtues are marriage and family.  This is particularly the case with the virtues of chastity and fidelity in marriage, both of which are required to create enduring and fully rewarding marriage partnerships and family relationships.”  I feel this is the truest purpose of marriage, to perpetuate our greatest virtues.  

What can you do within your circle of influence?

From the time I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be a wife and mother.  Even when I had dreams of being a political campaign manager or was working as a restaurant manager, I still clung to the idea of being a homemaker.  I was raised in a dual-income family with a mother who wasn’t home a whole lot and I knew I wanted more for myself, my family, and especially my children. Fast forward a couple of decades and I’m living the dream!  I am a stay-at-home mom of seven beautiful children.  My husband served in the military for almost nine years and is now a police officer.  It really doesn’t get more “traditional” or “old-fashioned” than us!  

One of the questions posited in our reflection and discussion section this week was:  What specific things can you do within your circle of influence to defend traditional marriage?  I truly believe the best thing we can do to defend traditional marriage and to influence others in that area is to live a good life and to be an example to others.  In the reading “The Divine Institution of Marriage,” it states, “For millennia, strong families have served as the fundamental institution for transmitting to future generations the moral strengths, traditions, and values that sustain civilization. In 1948, the world’s nations issued the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, affirming that “the family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society.””  I whole-heartedly believe this and have seen it in action in my own life!

Over a year ago, our oldest daughter played soccer with a girl from a born-again Christian family.  After practices started, we realized that our sons were also on the same team and that our children all attended private schools (them a Christian one and us a Catholic one), which is rare in our area.  That helped build enough of a common ground to kick off a relationship.  When the other family found out we were Mormon, though, everything came to a screeching halt.  Both parents had been raised in a local church known for its anti-Mormon rhetoric and had very strong opinions about us and our faith.  

Rather than try to dissuade this family, we decided to just be good and kind to them.  We offered rides or to keep an eye on kids when our soccer schedules conflicted and we tried to stay upbeat and conversant, even though we were saddened by how they reacted to hearing we were LDS.  Both of our oldest girls were picked up for the all-star soccer team and thus our interactions continued longer than anticipated.  One day, I realized...they like us!  I think they really like us!  I realized I was no longer worrying over how I phrased things or trying to dissect what they must really mean when they spoke to us.  Our relationship seemed much easier and even resembled a friendship! 

One of the best thrills I’ve had recently was when these friends told us they were pregnant with their fourth child.  I have seven children very close in age and this couple had three kids spaced out.  They were somewhat “worldly” in what they wore, drove, and did in their spare time, but the husband told us that we had been a positive influence on him and his wife.  He said, “We had a formal discussion as a couple and talked about how happy the Downing family always seems and how if they can have a family like that, maybe we could have a family like that.”  

We have since been able to have many discussions about our beliefs, values we hold dear, and even gospel principles.  When I think about how people can defend traditional marriage, of course there are many options.  I clearly remember friends standing on the street corners with Prop. 8 signs!  But rather than arguing my beliefs or debating with anyone, I feel the strongest influence has come from living my traditional lifestyle loud and proud.  I love inviting people into my little bit of Mayberry to show them that a blue-collar husband and housewife with a gaggle of kids isn’t passé, but something lovely and good and virtuous and worthy of working towards.  In our reading, Russell M. Nelson taught us, “The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel.”  As I bear witness of God and Jesus Christ and live a virtuous life, I know I can influence those around me.  

Divorce

What struck me most about this week’s reading assignment was this quote from Elder Oaks:  “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.” 

I have a non-LDS friend who is really struggling in her marriage.  While some of her concerns are incredibly valid, she is unwilling to try to bridge the gap between herself and her husband because he isn’t making any similar efforts.  I’ve suggested a few things for her to try, but she really digs her heels in and insists nothing will “change” him, so why even bother.  She doesn’t understand that she can “change” herself and that her husband might respond better to her.  As soon as I read the above quote, I wanted to send it to her!  I know it would be ill-received, though, since it is literally calling her to repentance.  I keep trying to think of kind ways to reach my friend using guidance we receive from inspired leaders. 

Elder Oaks also said, “Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts.”  My friend is insistent that it would benefit her three children if she and her husband were to divorce because she thinks it will make her happier and thus model a better attitude for the kids.  A mutual friend who’s been through a divorce has explained that it will complicate things further if they divorce.  By way of illustration, my friend dislikes that her husband will play video games and watch TV on Saturdays instead of helping her with the house, errands, and children, but at least he’s there and the children have access to him.  How does it improve that specific complaint if she divorces and has the children because it’s her weekend?  At the very least, she’s lost an adult able to stay home while she runs the errands alone. 

Our friend often says another good reason to divorce is because it would be better for the kids to not be around arguments and animosity.  I found it interesting that Paul Amato addressed this in our reading on page 80 under “Discordant Two-Parent Families.”  It acknowledges that if there is constant discord, then sure, maybe the kids are better off without such chaos.  My friend, however, is probably at a 70/30 split right now of good versus bad for how their relationship plays out.  She and her husband still go on dates, for example, and have an enjoyable time.  They spend family time that is harmonious, even if there is disruption some of the time. 

Amato says, “When parents exhibit relatively little overt conflict, children appear to be better off if their parents stay together.  In other words, children are particularly at risk when low-conflict marriages end in divorce.”  I’m not sure I would classify my friend’s marriage as “low-conflict,” but it’s definitely “LOWER-conflict.”  Especially from reading “The Future of Children,” I don’t believe my friend’s children would be better off if their parents split up.