Divorce

What struck me most about this week’s reading assignment was this quote from Elder Oaks:  “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.” 

I have a non-LDS friend who is really struggling in her marriage.  While some of her concerns are incredibly valid, she is unwilling to try to bridge the gap between herself and her husband because he isn’t making any similar efforts.  I’ve suggested a few things for her to try, but she really digs her heels in and insists nothing will “change” him, so why even bother.  She doesn’t understand that she can “change” herself and that her husband might respond better to her.  As soon as I read the above quote, I wanted to send it to her!  I know it would be ill-received, though, since it is literally calling her to repentance.  I keep trying to think of kind ways to reach my friend using guidance we receive from inspired leaders. 

Elder Oaks also said, “Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts.”  My friend is insistent that it would benefit her three children if she and her husband were to divorce because she thinks it will make her happier and thus model a better attitude for the kids.  A mutual friend who’s been through a divorce has explained that it will complicate things further if they divorce.  By way of illustration, my friend dislikes that her husband will play video games and watch TV on Saturdays instead of helping her with the house, errands, and children, but at least he’s there and the children have access to him.  How does it improve that specific complaint if she divorces and has the children because it’s her weekend?  At the very least, she’s lost an adult able to stay home while she runs the errands alone. 

Our friend often says another good reason to divorce is because it would be better for the kids to not be around arguments and animosity.  I found it interesting that Paul Amato addressed this in our reading on page 80 under “Discordant Two-Parent Families.”  It acknowledges that if there is constant discord, then sure, maybe the kids are better off without such chaos.  My friend, however, is probably at a 70/30 split right now of good versus bad for how their relationship plays out.  She and her husband still go on dates, for example, and have an enjoyable time.  They spend family time that is harmonious, even if there is disruption some of the time. 

Amato says, “When parents exhibit relatively little overt conflict, children appear to be better off if their parents stay together.  In other words, children are particularly at risk when low-conflict marriages end in divorce.”  I’m not sure I would classify my friend’s marriage as “low-conflict,” but it’s definitely “LOWER-conflict.”  Especially from reading “The Future of Children,” I don’t believe my friend’s children would be better off if their parents split up.