What can you do within your circle of influence?

From the time I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be a wife and mother.  Even when I had dreams of being a political campaign manager or was working as a restaurant manager, I still clung to the idea of being a homemaker.  I was raised in a dual-income family with a mother who wasn’t home a whole lot and I knew I wanted more for myself, my family, and especially my children. Fast forward a couple of decades and I’m living the dream!  I am a stay-at-home mom of seven beautiful children.  My husband served in the military for almost nine years and is now a police officer.  It really doesn’t get more “traditional” or “old-fashioned” than us!  

One of the questions posited in our reflection and discussion section this week was:  What specific things can you do within your circle of influence to defend traditional marriage?  I truly believe the best thing we can do to defend traditional marriage and to influence others in that area is to live a good life and to be an example to others.  In the reading “The Divine Institution of Marriage,” it states, “For millennia, strong families have served as the fundamental institution for transmitting to future generations the moral strengths, traditions, and values that sustain civilization. In 1948, the world’s nations issued the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, affirming that “the family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society.””  I whole-heartedly believe this and have seen it in action in my own life!

Over a year ago, our oldest daughter played soccer with a girl from a born-again Christian family.  After practices started, we realized that our sons were also on the same team and that our children all attended private schools (them a Christian one and us a Catholic one), which is rare in our area.  That helped build enough of a common ground to kick off a relationship.  When the other family found out we were Mormon, though, everything came to a screeching halt.  Both parents had been raised in a local church known for its anti-Mormon rhetoric and had very strong opinions about us and our faith.  

Rather than try to dissuade this family, we decided to just be good and kind to them.  We offered rides or to keep an eye on kids when our soccer schedules conflicted and we tried to stay upbeat and conversant, even though we were saddened by how they reacted to hearing we were LDS.  Both of our oldest girls were picked up for the all-star soccer team and thus our interactions continued longer than anticipated.  One day, I realized...they like us!  I think they really like us!  I realized I was no longer worrying over how I phrased things or trying to dissect what they must really mean when they spoke to us.  Our relationship seemed much easier and even resembled a friendship! 

One of the best thrills I’ve had recently was when these friends told us they were pregnant with their fourth child.  I have seven children very close in age and this couple had three kids spaced out.  They were somewhat “worldly” in what they wore, drove, and did in their spare time, but the husband told us that we had been a positive influence on him and his wife.  He said, “We had a formal discussion as a couple and talked about how happy the Downing family always seems and how if they can have a family like that, maybe we could have a family like that.”  

We have since been able to have many discussions about our beliefs, values we hold dear, and even gospel principles.  When I think about how people can defend traditional marriage, of course there are many options.  I clearly remember friends standing on the street corners with Prop. 8 signs!  But rather than arguing my beliefs or debating with anyone, I feel the strongest influence has come from living my traditional lifestyle loud and proud.  I love inviting people into my little bit of Mayberry to show them that a blue-collar husband and housewife with a gaggle of kids isn’t passé, but something lovely and good and virtuous and worthy of working towards.  In our reading, Russell M. Nelson taught us, “The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel.”  As I bear witness of God and Jesus Christ and live a virtuous life, I know I can influence those around me.  

Divorce

What struck me most about this week’s reading assignment was this quote from Elder Oaks:  “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.” 

I have a non-LDS friend who is really struggling in her marriage.  While some of her concerns are incredibly valid, she is unwilling to try to bridge the gap between herself and her husband because he isn’t making any similar efforts.  I’ve suggested a few things for her to try, but she really digs her heels in and insists nothing will “change” him, so why even bother.  She doesn’t understand that she can “change” herself and that her husband might respond better to her.  As soon as I read the above quote, I wanted to send it to her!  I know it would be ill-received, though, since it is literally calling her to repentance.  I keep trying to think of kind ways to reach my friend using guidance we receive from inspired leaders. 

Elder Oaks also said, “Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts.”  My friend is insistent that it would benefit her three children if she and her husband were to divorce because she thinks it will make her happier and thus model a better attitude for the kids.  A mutual friend who’s been through a divorce has explained that it will complicate things further if they divorce.  By way of illustration, my friend dislikes that her husband will play video games and watch TV on Saturdays instead of helping her with the house, errands, and children, but at least he’s there and the children have access to him.  How does it improve that specific complaint if she divorces and has the children because it’s her weekend?  At the very least, she’s lost an adult able to stay home while she runs the errands alone. 

Our friend often says another good reason to divorce is because it would be better for the kids to not be around arguments and animosity.  I found it interesting that Paul Amato addressed this in our reading on page 80 under “Discordant Two-Parent Families.”  It acknowledges that if there is constant discord, then sure, maybe the kids are better off without such chaos.  My friend, however, is probably at a 70/30 split right now of good versus bad for how their relationship plays out.  She and her husband still go on dates, for example, and have an enjoyable time.  They spend family time that is harmonious, even if there is disruption some of the time. 

Amato says, “When parents exhibit relatively little overt conflict, children appear to be better off if their parents stay together.  In other words, children are particularly at risk when low-conflict marriages end in divorce.”  I’m not sure I would classify my friend’s marriage as “low-conflict,” but it’s definitely “LOWER-conflict.”  Especially from reading “The Future of Children,” I don’t believe my friend’s children would be better off if their parents split up.