In-laws!

My mother-in-law was less than thrilled when my husband asked me to marry him and my father-in-law was our saving grace.  He acted as an intermediary and helped to facilitate the new relationships we were forming.  Tragically, my father-in-law died of cancer a couple of weeks before our wedding.  Understandably, it threw my mother-in-law into a tailspin, but this combined with her earlier feelings caused a lot of disharmony.  

One of the best things to happen to us as newlyweds was to start our marriage away from family.  President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side.  The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile.  Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.”  We were forced to leave our families, by virtue of being a military family, but it was such a healthy way for us to start out.  In retrospect, it saved us a lot of heartache from my husband’s side of the family and it protected me from turning towards my family to complain about my new in-laws.  We were forced to rely upon one another and to build our own ideas without hardly any familial influence.  

When we moved closer to family, several years and children later, it was a bit of a shock to discover that both sides of our family expected us to fall into our pre-marriage roles and patterns within each family.  We realized that we had to work hard (and fast!) to affirm our marital identity now that we were all living in the same town.  

Many years down the road, I am pleased to say that we have workable relationships with both of our extended families.  It is still difficult sometimes.  I am the only member of the Church in a very anti-Mormon family, so that creates hardship.  My husband is the oldest in a large family raised LDS, but he is the only one who is active, including his own mother.  Those are a whole different type of hardship!  Our greatest strength is knowing that the family we have created is OUR FAMILY and the most important above all other family members.  I heard a quote once in a church video that said, “God created families so we would have somewhere we belong,” and I just love and cling to that.  

Family Councils

I loved reading “Counseling with our Councils” by M. Russell Ballard and am such a fan of family council, especially!  M. Russell Ballard said, “This is the miracle of Church councils: listening to each other and listening to the Spirit!  When we support one another in Church councils, we begin to understand how God can take ordinary men and women and make of them extraordinary leaders.  The best leaders are not those who work themselves to death trying to do everything single-handedly; the best leaders are those who follow God’s plan and counsel with their councils.”

I have witnessed this firsthand within my family.  When we hold regular family councils, it is transformative.  It puts us all on the same page and unites us, but it also gives our children a voice and some power within our own family.  Even this week, our second daughter asked if we could hold family council a day early because she had some issues she wanted to tackle.  I think it helps them all with whichever stage they are at in their own life and reminds the older kids (and us!) of what it was like to be younger or how we can help the other kids.  

Elder Ballard also said in that article, “Let us remember that the basic council of the Church is the family council.  Fathers and mothers should apply diligently the principles I have discussed in their relationships with each other and with their children.  In doing so, our homes can become a heaven on earth.”  My family definitely feels the difference throughout the week when we have held family council.  We typically do it on Sunday nights and we call it “Family Sundaes Sunday.”  It’s a trick we learned a few years back to keep the kids at the table and to keep the little ones quieter, ha!  We dig out loads of ice cream toppings and just let everyone have at it.  It’s a really great family tradition and helps the kids to love family council.